What follows is an actual transcript (I’ve got the receipts) of an interview that I conducted with Chris Bane , the MiLF’s Champion for the 2018 season. I was going to pepper in some flavorful descriptions to set the scene in some fictional, over the top manner, but I decided to let the Champion’s words stand on their own.
YOU’RE GOING TO BE THE FIRST CHAMPION WITH THIS OPTION. DO YOU WANT ME TO INTERVIEW YOU FOR YOUR “WATCH THE THRONE” INTERVIEW, OR DO YOU WANT ME TO MAKE IT UP LIKE THE PREVIOUS ONES?
I WANT THE REAL DEAL HOLYFIELD.
SO YOU WANT YOUR EAR BITTEN OFF? I CAN MANAGE THAT.
THE MEDIA IS ALWAYS TRYING TO BLOW EVERYTHING I SAY OUT OF PROPORTION.
THESE [CENSORED] WON’T GET OFF MY JOCK.
THAT PARANOIA SEEMS COMPLETELY JUSTIFIED. NOT AT ALL UNWARRANTED. AS SOON AS YOU GET TO THE TOP, IT SEEMS LIKE EVERYBODY HAS SOMETHING TO SAY.
DID IT FEEL VINDICATING TO PULL TOGETHER A WINNING CAMPAIGN LAST SEASON?
NA, YOU DON’T FEEL VINDICATED WHEN YOU ALREADY KNOW WHERE YOU BELONG, YA FEEL ME.
MOST WOULD SAY YOU BELONG SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PACK. THOSE PEOPLE MIGHT EVEN CITE YOUR PERFORMANCES IN THE THREE YEARS BEFORE YOUR VICTORY.
YOU MEAN THE LEAGUE WHERE THERE WAS NOTHING TO PLAY FOR AND GOT THE LEAST OF MY ATTENTION. THINGS CHANGED THAT THIS YEAR AND YOU SAW THE OUTCOME.
I LIKE THE CONFIDENCE. SO YOU DON’T THINK IT WAS A FLUKE THEN? THE ANALYSTS ARE PREDICTING YOU’RE THE NEXT GREAT FALLING STAR. COMPARISONS TO MIKE “FORMERLY THE MAN” NOLL ARE FLOODING THE MILF FORUMS AND TWITTER-SPHERE.
WHAT CRACK WHORE ANALYST, ROBBIE AND HIS BITCH MADE APP? LOL, PLEASE. THEY AREN’T READY FOR ANOTHER YEAR OF THIS SMOKE.
SPEAKING OF THE “BITCH MADE” APP, WHICH HASN’T WORKED FOR ME SINCE THE LAST UPDATE, WHAT KIND OF SOURCES DO YOU USE FOR YOUR FANTASY INFORMATION? OR ARE YOU PURELY RUNNING OFF OF INSTINCT AND MASSIVE, PRACTICALLY ADULT SIZED BALLS?
MY MEATY CLACKERS ARE MY NEXT BIGGEST ORGAN, AFTER MY OVERSIZED BRAIN.
SO THERE’S NO TRUTH TO THE RUMORS THAT YOUR WIFE HELPED YOU WITH YOUR TEAM THIS SEASON?
YOU MUST BE OUT YOUR GOD DAMN MIND. WHOEVER IS SPREADING THOSE RUMORS CAN’T PUT THEIR NAME ON IT OR SHUT THEIR CUNT.
GLAD TO HAVE THAT CLEARED UP IN SUCH A DEFINITIVE MANNER. NO COLLUSION. YOU HEAR THAT KINDRA? YOU’RE A LIAR.
AS A STEELERS FAN, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE FANTASY VALUES OF ANTONIO BROWN AND LEVEON BELL THIS SEASON WITH THEIR NEW TEAMS?
HOW WOULD ONE GO ON DESCRIBING A DOG SHIT TACO?
SOME SORT OF TORTILLA (PROBABLY FLOUR), FILLED WITH SOME COMBINATION OF LETTUCE, CHEESE, SALSA, AND A HEALTHY HELPING OF CANINE FECES.
SO YOU’RE A HARD PASS THEN? PERSONALLY, I’M MORE INTERESTED IN FAT LEVEON BELL THAN FIT LEVEON BELL.
I HOPE HE EATS HIMSELF TO DEATH LIKE THE GUY ON THE MOVIE 7.
WHO WILL BE A BETTER FANTASY PRODUCER FOR THEIR POSITION? JUJU OR CONNOR?
JUJU. I THINK THEY ARE GONNA DO A COMMITTEE.
WHICH OTHER TEAM MANAGER IN THE LEAGUE ARE YOU THE MOST CONFIDENT WHEN YOU SEE YOU’RE SCHEDULED AGAINST THEM?
PHIL OR RYAN (BIEBER).
ANY REASONS IN PARTICULAR? FEEL FREE TO THROW SHADE.
THEIR FOOTBALL IQ IS NEXT TO NOTHING.
ANYBODY THAT YOU HATE GOING UP AGAINST? YOU SEE YOUR MATCHUP FOR THAT WEEKEND, AND YOU’RE JUST LIKE, “OH SHIT.”
YOU.
THAT’S AMUSING TO ME, WITH MY PENCHANT FOR PICKING UP NEXT WEEK’S SEASON ENDING INJURY.
YOU ARE A SOLID DRAFTER, THOUGH. YOU RARELY SWING AND MISS.
I DRAFT ENTIRELY BASED ON INFORMATION I GET FROM YOUR TESTICLES’ TWITTER ACCOUNT.
SMART MOVE ON YOUR PART, THAT’S WHERE ALL THE “HEART” INSIGHT COMES FROM.
ANY INTERESTING STRATEGIES OR TARGETS YOU’RE LOOKING AT FOR NEXT SEASON? CHANGING UP YOUR PROCESS AT ALL?
SAME STRATEGIES, AND I DON’T LIKE TALKING ABOUT MY TARGETS. I HAVE STARTED MY RESEARCH EARLIER THIS YEAR.
WELL, BEST OF LUCK TO YOU. ONLY TIME WILL TELL IF THE REIGN OF BANE CONTINUES THROUGH THE 2019 SEASON.
OOH I LIKE THAT NAME, GONNA USE IT.
TELL YOUR SISTER I SAID HELLO.
FUCK RIGHT THE HELL OFF.