Watch The Throne 2015

An Interview With Mike Noll

I recently sat down for a one-on one interview with last year’s Minor League Fantasy Champion, Michael “The Man,” in his home office. Scouting reports and spreadsheets are strewn haphazardly across his desk. The league trophy sits in a large glass case to his left, seemingly glowing from the back lighting. Six screens of various sizes play game film from last season. On one, he is setting a lineup on his cell phone while sitting on the toilet. On another, he is intently watching a television while drinking a beer.

Mike: It wasn’t cheap to have that film crew follow me around for those five months, but I think it was worth it. I like to be able to go back and watch the film, you know what I mean? Relive those great moments, or be able to really key in on times when I could have done better.

You mean like when you drafted Santana Moss, who was no longer in the league?

You’d like to think that was a mistake wouldn’t you? That I just had no idea what was going on and it all came together just out of dumb luck? Look at my team. I had already drafted all of the greats. “Shady” McCoy. Peyton Manning. Victor fucking Cruz. I didn’t need that pick. It was a strategic move, man. Who is going to be seriously concerned the week they are playing the “idiot” who drafted a guy who wasn’t in the NFL anymore? Nobody.

That is some pretty intense strategy.

The draft went pretty much flawlessly for me, almost exactly like I’d drawn it up beforehand.

You know, a lot of people might question the way you drafted two defenses…

A lot of people aren’t champions.

Fair point. So, did you always know that it would be you and the Titsburgh Feelers in the Championship? You and Coach Kindra Bane, mano-a-womano?

Here’s the thing about Kindra. She’s only in the league because of affirmative action, and I don’t really support that. A bunch of the guys got together and were like, “Gee, wouldn’t it be swell if this sandwich maker won the league? How novel would that be?” And they threw games. I’m not going to name names, we coaches have an honor code among us. I won’t finger people. But what they did was shitty and they should be ashamed. Luckily, I was there at the end of the road to be her glass ceiling. That might be my team name this year. “The Glass Ceilings.” Or “The Only Honorable Coach In This Shitshow Of A League.” That one doesn’t have quite the same ring to it.

Neither of them really ooze the same intimidation as “M’s Matchless Team 3.”

That name is a classic. I’m going to have it tattooed on my firstborn child’s foreskin.

What if your firstborn child is a girl?

[Noll Laughs] It won’t be.

How confident are you going into the league’s second season? Are you predicting a repeat?

I would like to repeat, yeah. I mean, who wouldn’t, right? Do I think it’s going to happen? That’s a different question.

So… do you think it’s going to happen?

Absolutely. Go ahead and mark it down. 100% certain I will repeat this year. No questions.

That is some confidence.

I like to think I’ve earned it.

Well, you did beat the odds last year. Did you know that Vegas had given you 146 to 1 odds to win the league last year when the season started? And 32 to 1 odds to beat Kindra in the Championship game?

Fuck Vegas. Vegas is garbage. Except for the titties. And the gambling. Okay, I guess Vegas is cool. Fuck those odds, though.

Any thoughts on the other coaches around the league? Anyone stand out to you as someone to watch out for this season?

The coaches in this league are a real who’s who of mediocre fucks. The only competition I really had was Dann Andrews (may he rest in peace). His team would have been solid if they hadn’t all died in that plane crash flying to the first game. But, that team of corpses still scraped out, what? Two wins? That is some Patrick Swayze, ghost level coaching chops. He will be missed.

So is there anything you can share with us about your game plan going into season number two? Any little sneak peaks you can give us into your draft strategy or players you are watching?

I’ve been doing a lot of research into the productivity of left handed players. I definitely think there’s something there, but I don’t know if I will have worked through the data enough for it to affect my strategy this year. Watch for it in future seasons, though. This year, I’m planning on drafting Santana Moss.

Thank you for your time.

Get the fuck out of my house.