The cellar is cold and dank, and reeks of sweat and dead rodents. They don’t know why they’re here. I don’t know why I’ve held them for two hours before starting this interview. But it doesn’t really matter. I’ve invented time travel, and I’m going to use it how I damn well please. And I’m going to kill two birds with one stone. I alter my voice as to not be recognized. I’m already toying with the fabric of reality, I don’t want to risk any additional damage by being identified. A hard plastic rabbit mask sits over my face. Come to think of it, that’s probably distorting my voice to some extent… I can probably tone down the growl.
Justin… We are going to start with you. [I pull the gag from my younger self’s mouth]
Past Justin: What the fuck man!?
Calm the fuck down. I’m not going to hurt you. I just need to ask you a few questions.
Why are you doing this?
How did it feel to win the MiLF League?
Why are… what?
How did it feel to win the MiLF League?
Why the fuck are you asking about our fantasy football league?
Spoiler alert: You guys are killing the CoC. It isn’t going to run for a second season. Some dynasty league.
Who the fuck are you?
HOW. DID IT FEEL. TO WIN.
It felt good?
Excellent. Was that hard? What choices was it in the draft that helped lead you to success?
Uh… I mean… Getting Antonio Brown and then Shady sure didn’t hurt. That was a pretty good start to build my team around. I mean, AB, sure, you know he’s going to produce, but getting the season from Shady that he had, that was just amazing.
What else do you think helped with your success?
Oh, shit… Is this about… Fuck.
What?
Is this about the time travel?
WHAT?
Oh, shit. Good. Okay. Nothing.
What about time travel?
Nothing, I was just being dumb.
DID YOU INVENT TIME TRAVEL AND THEN GO FORWARD INTO TIME TO FIND OUT WHICH PLAYERS WOULD HELP YOU WIN A CHAMPIONSHIP?!
I mean… That sounds crazy, man.
DID. YOU. INVENT TIME TRAVEL AND THEN GO FORWARD INTO TIME TO FIND OUT WHICH PLAYERS WOULD HELP YOU WIN A CHAMPIONSHIP!?
…
DID YOU!?
I mean, yeah, kind of.
FUCKING CHRIST ON TOAST THAT’S FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE.
The science is pretty easy if you get super fucked up…
NO! If you would have done that then…
What?
I am so unbelievably pissed right now.
I’m sorry?
So, you cheated. Fucking dick head. If I had created that technology then I definitely wouldn’t have used it for that. I mean, not that I wouldn’t have thought about it, BECAUSE THIS DEFINITELY WOULDN’T BE THE FIRST TIME I’M THINKING ABOUT IT, but I would use it for something more altruistic. Like an interview I was too lazy to do last year.
Fuck. You’re me aren’t you.
No.
Yes you are.
Fuck. Yes.
Shit. And you didn’t figure out time travel to cheat and win the MiLF?
Nope.
You just figured it out whenever you’re from?
Yup.
What the fuck does that mean?
I have no god damned idea.
Fuck. I mean like… If I figured it out, and then you are traveling back through your timeline, then you should have figured it out now, too.
Yup. No fucking idea, man. [I take the rabbit mask off]
[Muffled noises from Robbie’s gag]
We will fucking get to you! Shit.
Shit.
What the fuck does this mean?
I don’t… unless…
Unless what?
What if you come back and then I recognize that you are me, like just happened.
Okay?
And then I realize that time travel is possible, figure it out prematurely, go back in time and set off the chain of events that lead to me figuring out time travel so that I can win the season.
That makes sense. No, wait. If you only figure out time travel to win the season because this current you figures it out in response to future me figuring it out and coming back in time to interview you because you won, wouldn’t that mean you wouldn’t have won in the initial timeline and I wouldn’t have had to come back to interview you because I was too lazy to make this shit up last year?
I mean, does that make any less sense than you sitting in a basement with a past version of yourself tied up to interview him about fantasy football?
Yes, actually.
I don’t know how time fucking works.
Jesus.
[More muffled noises]
Okay! Okay! [I remove the gag from Robbie’s mouth]
What the fuck is going on?
Genuinely less of an understanding than you can possibly imagine.
We are breaking time, man.
Why am I here though?
Oh, shit. Right. Uh, Robbie… How will it feel to win the MiLF this year?
What? I lost the MiLF this year. Dead last. Bombed in a stellar fashion.
Yeah… but… How WILL IT FEEL to win the MiLF this year? Spoiler alert. I’m killing two birds with one stone.
I win the MiLF this year? How?
Geez. How long do you have. Well first of all, the Attention Tax is really going to fuck Scott and Kyle at the draft. Scott is going to get super fucked up which screws him, but then he’s going to start crossing off random players on Kyle’s lists so that Kyle gets confused. They both get some kickers that way… I think Scott got three. And then he drafted three quarterbacks. I don’t know man, it’s a shit show. Then you make a pretty awesome trade late in the season… It’s going to cost you your first round pick for the 2018 draft, but pull that trigger. It solidifies your win.
Should you be telling me this?
I don’t even know what the fuck is happening anymore, man. This is all fucked. Here. Draft these fucks. [I pull out my cell phone and scroll through to the picture of the 2018 draft board] If you draft exactly like this, and then just do everything the way you think you should from there on out, you will win the MiLF.
Uh… Can you text me this?
I don’t know how the fuck that works, man. [I try to text Robbie the image of the draft board]
Wait. What if you intervening like this is the way that he wins? What if he doesn’t win if you don’t give him this information?
But he already won without me coming back, or else he wouldn’t be in this cellar with us for me to give him the information… that he might need to win… What the fuck is happening?
Are we in some kind of a loop?
Got it! So… Melvin Gordon, Jay Ajayi, and then Tyreek Hill… and I win? With that start?
Well, like I said, late season you trade Phil for Todd Gurley. It’s a good move. He has a bounce back year. ADP is fucking crazy high going into the 2018 draft.
Oh, shit.
Yeah. So… uh… Christ. Kind of fucked this up. This was really supposed to be an interview of Robbie, and it kind of deteriorated really quickly.
Thanks, man.
No worries. [I fist bump Robbie and my past self] Guess I’m out of here.
Wait… Are you going to untie us?
Nope.
So, as you can see from this completely legitimate transcript, I may or may not have been entirely responsible for Robbie’s championship, giving me the unofficial repeat.
Spoiler Alert: I win again this year. Totally legitimately. No time travel involved. For suresies.